Teenagers, Louis Vuitton bags and other strange things i’ll never own.

I never thought I’d own teenagers. Much like Louis Vuitton baggage and those fancy heels with the red underneath them? Just like I know I’d never own those things primarily because I cant afford them, which is exactly like teenagers. I can’t afford them. I also always felt totally intimidated by them, they seem to know what to do, where to go and it never appeared to me that they could be standing awkwardly in a corner not knowing what to say or adjusting their belt or shoulder pads. …..ok so the last bit was me but you get the gist of it.

I remember when I had the twins … “the twins”…I always laughed that I was going to get business cards printed simply saying “The Twins Mom” as if I was the only person in the world to ever experience this madness of 20 nappies a day, completely interrupted sleep, hallucinations *due to the previous point*  and the ability to go completely batshit crazy at a 2am feed while sitting next to my husband who was also doing a 2 am feed with his own baby trying to make conversation but missing the point and because neither of us had sleep we couldn’t understand English let alone conversation and had the ugliest of fights simply because I think right then we hated each other for getting each other in this position where just last year we were cruising Long Street and doing all nighters at Rhythm Divine.

FML…how did this happen? At what point did I morph from postage stamp lycra tops and tiny jeans to maternity bra’s ,10 yr old trackie broeks and cabbage leaves on my tits?

But I digress.

Everyone kept saying… ”oh you have a baby? Just you wait till they are toddlers!!!!” this said with a sort of hatred or jealousy? As if two babies that slept through the night was somehow unfair on the rest of the population “but just you wait!”

So I waited.

I waited on the spawn of Satan to rear its head in the form of two little girls that will go on a rampage and destroy their rooms, tip out their entire cupboards, shred their curtains, take all the bedding off their bed and when their mom came to inspect their rooms be sitting like the sweetest little cherry pie cute thing you ever did see, wait,…waitwaitwait…that was Stellzilla, sorry wrong kid!

The Twins were awesome toddlers….and then the little comments “ah…*and they roll their eyes* the terrible twos, the “something” threes and the fucking fours”  Dot Dot Dot … “just you wait”

So I waited. And we lifed.

And I looked ahead to the “omfg teens” stage, I tried to imagine what it looked like and how strict I’d be and would we share clothes and make up and shoes and have girly sleepovers or would it look more like teaching them how much gin to mix with tonic, driving lessons and trying hard to not scream when they don’t depress the brake as fast as I’d like it and doing tequila shooters at a bar and eyeballing each other to see who gags first and slinky little cat like curlups on the bed where she talks about nothing really but just lies quietly inbetween us while I stroke her hair.

I didn’t know it would be so much fun yet so terrifying all at the same time.

I’ve swopped nappies for Uber rides *howmanyinthecarcallmeasssoonasyouarrrivenadleave*

I’ve exchanged arranged playdates for unparented sleepovers.

Swopped bedtime stories for whatsap gif wars from our bedrooms before bedtime *I always win*

Its terrifying because I can see the time where they leave. That’s my job right ? that means I’ve done it correct and ticked the boxes and we have reached milestones (if only there was a book that says at 216months they should be able to comfortably drive, have a social drink at a bar and make a tasty carbonara)

There was a furious debate on Facebook the other day about having mixed sleepovers (boys and girls) as teens, Never!No!OMG NO!!! for various reasons I get it, BUT the one that moved me to spurt my coffee out was the bit about the “I’d never have groups of teens over do you know how loud they are??????”

Yes.

Yes I do.

But do you know what is louder?

The silence of them not being there.

And that is what I’m grappling with.   We have done such a good job at raising humans that they are going to leave.

Fuckit.

No one warned me about that. Not one person said when they were babies… “JUST YOU WAIT TILL THEY LEAVE”

My one girl said to me…  ” mom, have you realized how much time we spend together?”

I said back “yes, yes I do and I’m savoring every second like the last lick of ice cream on my cone…because I’m so aware that our time is coming to an end and soon we wont have this, you will be off and away at Uni and doing cool Uni stuff.”

“mom” she said back to me “I will always do stuff with you because I love hanging out with you”

And that right there people, that….that is all it is about.

Don’t raise assholes and in doing so raise kids who love hanging out with you.

Now just to master this driving thing.